Happy Saturnalia
It's that time of year again when the hiding coins are brought out and the child sacrifice starts. Yay! The churches will be packed today as we stand in worship of the great god Saturn. We hope that Saturn will accept our praise, sacrifices, and ceremonial games. To go into greater detail of how it will go down this year, the first sacrifice will be of Anshius Boldus, Williamius Boldus, and his son Kevinus Boldus (no relation). They will be sacrificed due to their refusal to honor the king's orders on proper burial conduct. However, before this starts, we must pray in the name of Saturn, which is extra exciting this year as the famed priest Maurenus Clampetus will be hosting. To add to that, Lukeus the Short will face off against the only female chariot racer in history, Mikailious the Tall, in what could be the greatest match of all time. But do not forget Kikius Coolius, projected third but always known for stirring up trouble.
Griffin Slaying
Mickelius LaRosen and Julius the LaRosen, residents of Athens, have at last defeated the dreadful Griffin that had been menacing Athens for over ten years. The battle is reported to have been fierce, as evidenced by the deaths of Mickelius and Julius. You might ask, if Mickelius and Julius are deceased, who recounted their tail? It was their formidable dogs, Maplius Maximus and Willimus Snugglius, who vanquished the creature with the assistance of Spikius Hugius. The people of Athens will be holding a Saturnalia parade in there honor.
New Sacrifice Method
Recently, a new execution device has been developed by the Gallic engineer Elizius Genius, who has constructed the most impressive machine in the region known as the Guillotine. It operates by releasing a long blade onto the soon-to-be-executed Anshius Boldus, Williamius Boldus, and his son Kevinus Boldus (unrelated). Moreover, it will serve as a public spectacle. The only criticism is the absence of the torture involved in earlier methods, yet everyone is eager to witness the Guillotine in action, which will be operated by the famous executioner Debius the Brutal.
Sporting Events
In this week's Chariot Race, Lukeus the Short defeated Mikailoius the Tall and Kikius Coolius. This happened due to his sheer dominance in throwing spears, as he took out both of them with his spear-throwing expertise. However, Mikailoius was still ahead by so much that she almost beat him by running to the finish line until the one lap behind Coolius cut in and likely accidentally ran her head open with her chariot. This was likely her own end, as there was so much blood that it briefly blinded Coolius, allowing Lukeus to get a clean winning shot.
In this week's Gladiatorial matchup, an extremely rare one versus all was presented. This was obviously due to the fact that the one was Jennius the Powerful, the greatest Gladiator of all time. She was set to face off against around 35 other supreme gladiators. This led to the greatest massacre in history as Jennius brutally killed all of them and stared at their families watching in horror as she massacred their loved ones in front of them. This led to her victory and her new title as Jennius the Vicious.
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